October sparks a particular feeling within me; a familiarity that comes with a pile of hesitation and an aftertaste of remorse. I'm uneasy. Personally i think myself pleading for this month to be different; to bring about the change I need instead of the monotony I fear. But because September bows out and October stands in, there is always a part of me that winces, unclear about what to expect.
There are songs that point out certain times in our lives; as the instruments begin playing we are able to be transported back to a minute. There are smells that trigger our senses as our receptors begin firing off transmissions to our brain as reference to our past reactions. Then, there are people that remind us of times and places that make us feel nostalgic.
The vividness of these memories does not dissipate or fade in to the outer edges as shapeless or colorless; they're prominent facets that have leeched themselves to all of us. They are notches in our timeline; taking up space as a seemingly permanent residents in our minds and making us immune to forgetting.
October has a feeling for me, or maybe, it's me that has too many feelings in October.
In October, I miss you too much. I miss you more since this is when I lost you. And today, you're on my mind far more heavily than you were in September, and I'm realizing you've been gone the same amount of time that I ever had you.
In October, I synchronize. I attempt to recount what I did on every day leading up to the date you passed and also the days long after. I’m stuck within this cycle and sworn to repeat it. In October, I am restless because I feel stagnant, caught up in the past. I am haunted.
I miss you.
I'm conflicted since i can feel the memories slipping from the consciousness of my everyday life. It's something that is always there but takes on different shapes and meanings with every passing October.
I'm angry because learning to cope with your absence has highlighted your flaws, and as hard as I try to blink them away, they're the tinge that dulls every photograph.
I'm much more comfortable than I was in September, but I'm still lost and wandering. In October, my certainty wanes faster compared to leaves fall, and the path I thought was clear is now turning dark. It's rushing towards me earlier than I expected, and I suddenly feel cold to touch.
October is raw.
It seems to be ominous, especially because the month got colder and darker once you were gone. I feel which i lost that bit of sparkle that just you could see. I’ve lost the comfort I sought in you, but I gained it back in an alternative way.
I recognize that October continues to be both a starting as well as an ending place for me. I unmask the goblins which have been hiding within me, unearth the seeds I planted, and pray they'll turn into more one day.
October feeds the itch I cannot scratch, the uncertainty Personally i think, and the prospect of what's to come.
October is bitter, like the cold that nips at my ankles. It's shrill like the voices in my head, reminding me of history and the wind that whispers worries about the future.
I know I'm the one who has too many feelings in October. There are things I have buried that uproot themselves during this period; triggered by the changing season and all that it has come to represent. My associations are contingent on one day, yet they are all compact. They still remind my heart of where I've been. I am vulnerable in October, but it has time and time again been a period of time that has made me stronger.
In October, I would like us to be more.
I want us to to laugh in the bottom of our stomachs and notice that we're more than our arguments. This October, I want to trace over every mistake using the image of us together. I wish to stay in this place we've created, within the safety of my heart, away from my head as it attempts to make things into something they're not. This October, I want us to feel that this is where we're supposed to be, and there isn't anything we can't overcome. We've made it through this many Octobers, and this is where we were meant to wind up.
