I’ve betrayed myself often when I chose to stay in a toxic relationship or after i decided to leave a place so memorable to me. I stop caring when I let sadness ruin my personal favorite day and when I should have loved myself but rather I offered my very existence trying to please someone else.
I made plans just for someone to cancel it immediately. I tried to make an effort to reach out only to be rejected in the end. I talked to people a lot of times yet I was misunderstood and judged. The world, which should be a wonderful place to create memories only helped me more doubtful about others especially myself.
I hurt myself more after i left people because of too much fear. When I let my inferiority take my courage, when I gave up writing and poetry so when I let love go. I became more distant after so many rejections and let me lose myself in the process of keeping up an already lost relationship.
I forgot about myself when I spent most of my days sleeping and crying on my small pillows. I blamed myself because of not getting my dream job. I believed this time would be different. That this moment would not be about my regrets and doubts. This really is me holding so many strings of hope within my hands. This is me waiting for others to grab it and live a life the way they want it to be. This is all about taking care of myself and loving myself more.
These days is going to be allotted to finally fill up the spaces with new places and people. It means turning more pages of discovery and adventures so I will never have to question my worth. My nights will be filled of watching my favorite movies and going out with my friends. My days will be all about going for a walk and visiting my most loved friends.
I can free myself from a person who does not know my worth. I can recreate a place and paint it with wonderful colors. I'm able to choose happiness, even in small things. I can make every day my personal favorite day. I can heal myself through people and friends. I'm able to write stories of hope and forgiveness, without any fear of being unappreciated. Because not everything about life is going to be about finding love from others but by loving yourself a lot more than you could love anyone else.
It is never about my losses and failures since i know how to keep people close. I know when to be brave enough and the way to be faithful to myself. I understand when to guard and admit my feelings. I know when it is the time to fully move on or to keep on fighting. I understand when to take the risk or when to give up. I know what is worthwhile and what's not.
I've learned that flowers grow even if they are crushed and stepped on. So I keep letting myself bloom in the most wonderful ways. I repair my bed, grab more opportunities and accept what others might think of me with a certainty of believing in my own potential. I challenge myself by doing the things I fear the most. I accept my flaws with no second thoughts. I finally let myself reduce uncertainties and confusion.
We cannot live without love and we cannot say we recognize love when we do not know how to live well. The magic and the true purpose of loving ourselves can be found in recognizing our flaws and imperfections. We may not acknowledge how ourselves managed to conquer the hardest battles however in the end, we will be truly grateful and amazed on how we finally cope with the struggles. This stuff may be too little or too large, honed us to be better and stronger.
I guess I have found myself again. This time, I will never let it go and wander not understanding how to love my whole being before loving someone else. This is for myself and this does not necessarily mean I am being selfish.
